


Kingsmeme 2: The Re-meme-ing

by EggMuffin



Series: Kingsmeme [2]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Crack, Eggsy is a meme-loving fuck, Gen, Memes, coffee merlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2015-07-28
Packaged: 2018-04-11 16:52:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4444184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EggMuffin/pseuds/EggMuffin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Kingsmeme. Another 5 times Eggsy used (tumblr) memes in real life. Who's up for some cheeky memes? Top, let's smash it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kingsmeme 2: The Re-meme-ing

1

''Hey, Harry, what's your zodiac sign?'' Eggsy asks, glancing up from his phone.

Harry furrows his brow. ''I have no idea. Why?''

''Okay, when's your birthday?''

''The fourth of June.''

''So that makes you a...'' Eggsy trails off as he googles zodiac signs. ''Gemini! Oh, man.''

''Why is that so important all of a sudden?'' Harry asks, bewildered. ''I never took you for a person who reads horoscopes.''

''No, bruv, listen. The zodiacs summed up. Gemini – unoriginal smelly nymphomaniac!'' Eggsy bursts out laughing. ''You gotta admit, it's kinda accurate, yeah?''

''How is that in any way accurate?!''

''But it _is_! So you, Harry, that's _so_ you,'' Eggsy wheezes.

Harry raises an eyebrow. ''On what accounts? And what does that horoscope say about you, then?''

''Okay, let's see, I'm a virgo, so that makes me a... organised piece of intelligent trash,'' Eggsy bursts out lauging again. ''Yeah, that me. So me.''

''I don't know about the intelligent part. Trash, yes.''

''You wound me, mate.''

 

2

''Gentlemen, glasses, please,'' Merlin says and turns to the screen to give a brief outline of the upcoming mission. Before he begins, he takes a swig out of his coffee mug, which, now that Eggsy thinks about it, seems to be near his person at all times.

''Merlin, mate, how much coffee do you drink?''

''Nearly not enough to deal with prats like you,'' Merlin replies coolly.

''I read somewhere that the average Briton consumes 500 grams of coffee per year,'' Percival supplies helpfully.

Merlin shoots him a death glare for interrupting the briefing and continues, ''As I was saying – ''

''The average person consumes 500 grams of coffee a year factoid is actually just a statistical error. Average person drinks zero cups of coffee per year. Coffee Merlin, who lives in a cave in the tech department and drinks over 10 000 each day, is an outlier and should not have been counted,'' says Eggsy with a grin and his analysis earns chuckles from all around.

Merlin just looks him straight in the eye as he drinks the rest of his coffee in one go and sets the cup calmly on the table. Eggsy's grin vanishes under the unnerving gaze.

 

3

Eggsy prances into Merlin's office with Roxy in tow to find him and Harry reviewing the footage from Percival's last mission.

''Harry, Merlin, you up for some cheeky Nando's?''

''One day you're going to wish you learnt to knock, Eggsy,'' Harry says in lieu of an answer, but Merlin furrows his brow. ''What the hell is a cheeky Nando's?''

''Cheeky Nando's?'' asks Roxy. ''Well...''

Eggsy takes over. ''It's well simple, mate. Y'know, you're blowin' some shit up with your mate Roxy, who's an absolute ledge, when you realise you're both hank marvin'. So you think you fancy some of that Thai shit, but Roxy says she's got some mula left on her Nando's gift card and offers to treat you to some cheeky Nando's with a side of top quality banter. So you think, top, let's smash it, but not before you invite the archbishop of Banterbury – that's you, Harry – and Bantersaurus Rex – that's you, Merl – to hang with you.''

''The what now?'' Harry asks, still obviously torn between trying to understand what Eggsy said and reprimanding him for butchering English.

Merlin raises an eyebrow. ''Bantersaurus Rex?''

''Yeah, see, it's a pun, mate. Like banter, but – ''

''I know what puns are, Eggsy. But now that you mention it, I am... _hank marvin'_. Top, let's smash it.''

''Merlin, my son, you're an absolute ledge.''

 

4

''What's with the Arthurian legend aesthetic, anyway?'' Eggsy asks. He, Harry, Merlin, Roxy, Percival and Andrew the actual tailor who could outshoot most of the agents, have occupied a table at the Kingsman Christmas party, the celebrations in full swing around them.

''I suppose the founders thought it was fitting for a secret service. Bravery and all that,'' Merlin says.

''I mean, it's well cool that the agents are named after knights and that you are a wizard, because I'm pretty sure you actually are a wizard, Merlin, mate, but... Like, what if we had different codenames.''

''Like what?'' Roxy asks, curiosity piqued, because it sounds like Eggsy's got somethng in mind already.

''From now on you can address me as Eagle One. Andrew is Been There, Done That,'' Eggsy begins and shoots the tailor a wink, who smiles back mischeviously.

''Harry is Currently Doing That.'' Another wink, this time at Harry, who shakes his head fondly.

''Percival is It Happened Once In a Dream. Roxy is If I Had to Pick a Bird. Merlin is Eagle Two.''

Merlin lets out a sigh of relief. ''Oh, thank God.''

 

5

''So you sell cars?'' Eggsy asks his date, Rupert Higgins, who most definitely does not sell cars for a living. Or, well, he does, but the cars are just cover up for the drugs and human trafficking. The man who pretty much runs the illegal drug business in the south of England, currently sits on the other side of the table in a quaint little italian place, looking at him like he's on a diet and Eggsy's a brownie.

Eggsy knows how he looks – fuckin' incredible, that's how he looks, but the man is unnerving as fuck.

''Import them, yeah. Alfas, Ferraris, a vintage Lancia here and there. Some Germans as well, bimmers, Mercs, that kind of stuff,'' Higgins replies, clearly trying to impress. Eggsy's thinks of the Kingsman hangar and scoffs mentally. Has this prick ever driven a nice Jag? Probably not. He can shove his bimmers up his arse.

''Wow, really? Never driven an Alfa, before,'' Eggsy gushes, playing the part of Thomas, a young man trying to get his foot in the door, who is not above fucking his way up.

Eggsy sincerely hopes that he doesn't have to go that far. Maybe he can get the prick drunk enough, get him home, leave him looking a bit ravished and get his Filofax while he's knocked out. Objectively speaking, yeah, Higgins isn't that bad – he's fit enough, but he's grade A human scum and Eggsy really rather be with Harry, thanks.

Higgins is going on about how successful he is and to whom he sells his cars (Eggsy wonders if half of the House of Lords really buys drugs and/or slaves, but he wouldn't put it past them), when Merlin's voice comes through the earpiece.

''Ector, we have new intel that the mark knows you're not Thomas Adams. Make your excuses and get out of there as soon as possible. Agent Lancelot will be on stand by with transport waiting for your signal.''

Eggsy curses mentally and makes an affirming noise at something Higgins said, knowing that Merlin will understand. Well, fuckity fuck. He's gotta get out and he didn't even get the chance to eat and he's absolutely _starving_.

Higgins is talking about football now, so Eggsy latches onto the topic.

''So what do you think of the Spurs?'' he asks.

''Bunch of cocks, even their bloody emblem says so. I'm more of an Arsenal man myself,'' Higgins says and Eggsy takes offence at his favourite team being called cocks. Well, obviously, the majority of players are pricks, but ain't nobody disrespecting his team. Besides, Arsenal – more like _Arse_ -nal.

''I'm sorry, I gotta go now. Immediately,'' Eggsy says as he stands up and shoves a few breadsticks into his pocket.

Higgins stares at him. ''Hey, where – ''

But Eggsy's already out of the door and sending a signal to Roxy to pick him up. Sure enough, a Kingsman issued Mercedes pulls up and Eggsy gets in.

''So, how'd the date go?'' Roxy asks as she pulls away from the curb.

''Ugh, don't even ask,'' Eggsy groans and reaches for his pocket. ''Want a breadstick?''

 

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Eggsy's birthday is on the 6th of September, according to the police file. I just wanted to make Harry a Gemini for shits and giggles and so he shares a birthday with my SO.  
> 2\. I know most of the memes are old, but I still love them. And I've wanted to do something with cheeky Nando's for ages now. I realise that Eggsy's a chav and cheeky Nando's is a lad thing, but come on, he'd latch onto that meme so fast. You know he would.  
> 3\. Merlin /is/ an absolute ledge.  
> 4\. I have nothing against Merlin/Eggsy and at first Merlin was going to be ''Been There, Done That'', but I just think him being ''Eagle Two'' works so well.  
> 5\. Spurs = Tottenham Hotspur, a Premier League club from London, and yes, their emblem features a cockerel on a football. Higgins supports Arsenal mostly for the pun, tbh, and also Tottenham and Arsenal have a long-standing rivarly. Let it be said that I don't know the first thing about football and Eggsy only supports Tottenham for the cock comment and also because one of my friends is a supporter. 
> 
> I hope you've enjoyed this, you meme-loving fucks.
> 
> tumblr: @eggmuffinwrites


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